Monday, February 7, 2011

My Entry in the First Line Blogfest

I like Faye Nelson, I really and truly do, we’ve been best friends since kindergarten, but, well, it’s hard ignoring that jealous knot in my chest every time I see her.
  

Name: Catherine A. Winn
Title: The Secret in the Cellar
Genre: MG mystery/thriller


This is my entry in the the dark and stormy night blogfest contest. Posted here for critiques from other entrants, then it will be posted again in the comments section of the contest by February 9 for Weronika to judge. Good luck, everyone!

UPDATE:

After receiving some excellent feed back, I have shortened and tightened up the sentence. The final version is now posted on the contest site. Thank you, all, for your comments and suggestions!

31 comments:

  1. I like this line. I'm guessing MG, is that right? I like the voice and I'm definitely wondering why the viewpoint character is jealous of Faye Nelson.

    Good luck!

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  2. Yes, Vicki, and oops--forgot to post the info and did after reading your comment :)

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  3. Love it so far, awesome!!! :O)

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  4. Love the voice. Love the character already (without knowing much about him). I'd be a little careful of the run-on sentence even if it is a part of his voice.

    The real tension comes toward the end (" ...it’s hard ignoring that jealous knot in my chest every time I see her.") A little rearranging and you'd have a fabulous hook.

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  5. Great voice, and excellent intrigue factor!

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  6. I like that we learn so much about the character in this sentence - but I worry it might too much too soon. What if you break up the sentence a bit and give it more punch?

    My best friend + constant jealous knot in my chest = me being a horrible, terrible, no good friend.

    Okay, my suggestion is NOT the best! :) But, I really think you can make this sentence WOW the readers with just a little tweaking. As it stands, the sentence is good - but sounds more adultlike than it does mid-grade.

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  7. Hello fellow blogfest participant!

    Your first line accomplishes a lot and has good voice. My only thought toward change would be to pare it down just a touch since it's a run-on.

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  8. Thanks for all the suggestions, I'm busy working on it and visiting other contest sites. Some great entries out there.

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  9. I like it, but it seems like quite a long sentance for MG, though I am no expert.

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  10. Thanks, Shelley, I'm taking the suggestions about run on sentence, age question, and tightening this up:)

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  11. I honestly think (as others have said) that the sentence is much too long, and a run-on. To me, you have three completely different sentences.

    "I like Faye Nelson, I really and truly do[.]" Number 1

    "[W]e’ve been best friends since kindergarten[.]" Number 2

    "[B]ut, well, it’s hard ignoring that jealous knot in my chest every time I see her." Number three

    Granted when separated by periods, or even how they are separated within your structure, they are very choppy.

    I would honestly try to shorten the sentence drastically, then make it flow like water.

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  12. Yes, it's a little long, but I love the voice.
    I like Faye Nelson, I really and truly do. (Sentence 1)
    We've been best friends since kindergarten,but well, it's hard ignoring that jealous knot in my chest every time I see her.
    (Sentence 2)
    I think it's okay as two sentences. Good luck!

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  13. I like your beginning and it really intrigues me. I would swap it around so it's more like...
    "I like Faye Nelson, but, it’s hard ignoring that jealous knot in my chest every time I see her, even if she has been my best friend since kindergarten. Or I would follow the other suggestions and spit it in two sentences.

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  14. Great voice, but I agree that it's too long. I think the info about being best friends since kindergarten is back story that can be better employed elsewhere.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  15. I get lost in the run-on sentence, but it does express quite a bit in terms of character.

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  16. It does seem to be a little long, but I am still interested in knowing more about the jealousy issue.

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  17. This feels like four sentences to me. What if instead you shortened it to:
    I like Faye Nelson, but that jealous knot in my chest takes my breath every time I see her.

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  18. It's a nice chapter that sets up the character's voice, but I feel it is a bit long. Could you split it in two or shorten it to make it more punchier.

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  19. Ha! I like this! There's certainly tension here.

    Good luck!!

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  20. I like it. I don't feel the language dragged at all. It sounds like something spoken. This is good for a first line to show character, but could get unwieldy and distracting if the entire project is written in such a manner.

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  21. I like it. You start out with conflict right away! I'll have to go and see the final version ;o)

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  22. it looks like I'm late to the party ^_^ I agree with what your other commenters have said and am off to the contest site to read the final version.

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  23. I like the final version of your line on Brenda's blog much better. It has a great voice that I think would connect to MG readers.

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  24. Sorry that I'm late, but I thought the sentence posted for the contest was nicely rewritten. Well done and good luck!

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  25. Thank you, all. Richard, you aren't late, I just couldn't wait to get it posted :)

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  26. Your contest post version is much stronger - great job of tightening, Catherine. :-)

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  27. I like the voice and the conflict in your sentence - good luck with the contest!

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  28. This is interesting. Too many commas for my taste...going to check out your updated version now.

    New follower...

    demitrialunetta.blogspot.com

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