Friday, April 30, 2010

Last Line Blogfest held by Lilah Pierce

My entry into the Last Line Blogfest over at Lilah Pierce's blog is from the manuscript Secrets at Wentworth. The girls have solved every mystery, identified a would-be killer/kidnapper and all is fine. A red herring mystery is referred to here.  A teenager with a troubled past and a suspicious stable hand have been mysteriously entering the woods each night. They've been secretly repairing a burned out lodge against the wishes of the headmistress because of the expense. Now that the headmistress knows, she is going to provide extra funding and is not upset.

“Now they won’t have to work at night,” Annie said, on the bottom step. “If it’s finished this summer, we can use it before I go home for good.”


“Maybe you can come back,” Mindy said. “If you want to." When Annie blinked at her she went on. "We could write your folks, if we word it just right, they might decide to let you come to Wentworth for the fall.”

Come back? Annie remembered how she had fought against being sent to Wentworth, totally determined to hate every minute. But, somehow, the thought of never coming back... “Let’s start the letter tonight!” Annie took the stairs two at a time.

“Hey, what about me?” Mindy yelled. When her friend stopped and looked back, she pointed to her ankle.

“Oopsie,” Annie said, rushing back. “Sorry, crip, lean on me!”

18 comments:

  1. Cute last line. Even not reading the rest of the story, I can see the girls here. :)

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  2. I can picture this scene in my head perfectly. Nice job!

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  3. I love a happy ending! And the last line is just right. :)

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  4. Nice job, Catherine! One thought I had was to better set the mood and strengthen the relationship between Annie and Mindy by describing Mindy's reaction to Annie's first statement ("...we can use it before I go home for good.)

    Right after that line, maybe add something about how Mindy reacts to Annie's mentioned leaving for good, showing the reader how much she wants Annie to come back... something like "A shadow crossed Mindy's face. She looked back at Annie." (Ok, something better than that, but hopefully you get the idea)

    Just my 2 cents.

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  5. I loved the ending - oops! The voice is just right too.

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  6. Wow. There is so much friendship packed into those lines - I love it!

    Thanks for visiting me at Book Dreaming. :-)

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  7. I like how you showed how Annie's feelings had changed just by how she answered the question. Great job!

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  8. Nice last lines. In a small amount you manage to show the dynamics between the two and leave an impression about the characters.

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  9. I agree with Elaine, I loved the "Oopsies" ending. It was just right :~D

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  10. *grin* Love that last nickname, "crip!" I used to call one of my friends that after she broke her foot :)

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  11. This is excellent, Catherine! The voice is just right, the girls' friendship is tangible and I love the last line. Being a mystery buff, though, I want to know everything that's gone before. :)

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  12. Thanks, all of you, for the kind comments! Bryan, you've given me a "Hmmmm," moment and I jotted down some notes.

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  13. I love the "oopsie" in the last line. It was great! Thanks for participating!

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  14. I like the internal musing and the cute teasing line at the end really draws us into their relationship and how it's changed. Great job.

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  15. I do feel the friendship between the girls. And that last line is cute and shows how close they are.

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  16. Wow what a great happy feel in those lines. You bring the happiness out so well. I love it when simplicity brings out emotions more effectively than text bombarded with adjectives and description. You've done this very very well. Nice job!

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  17. I love that in just this little snippet of writing, I got a sense of these girls and their relationship.

    And the oopsie is totally cute. My husband teases me every time I say oopsie. :)

    * *Rachel* *

    In case you are not already blogfested out, I am hosting one :)

    http://rachelbateman.com/2010/05/two-for-tuesday-bloginfestation/

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  18. Thanks for the great comments, everyone. The two girls had some ups and downs but are now fast friends, I'm glad you let me know that I succeeded in showing that.

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